he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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