I accidentally had phone sex last night
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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