He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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