Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So many bounce houses so little time
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
