His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
