Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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