I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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