Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
