I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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