"it" just moved
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
