I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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