have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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