He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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