Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
