just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
