Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
