The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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