theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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