He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
