Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
