My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
