The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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