I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
