i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
