You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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