I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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