I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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