There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
