Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
