I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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