So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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