god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
