YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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