FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize