My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
