turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
