She is in my trunk
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize