ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
