What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
