It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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