Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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