Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Found your dick twin last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
