This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
