i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
