dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
