just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
