you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
