You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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