You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
