apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
His nipple licking is glorious
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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