Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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