you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
