He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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