I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
