4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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