SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
