I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize