Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
