Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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