im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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