I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
