Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
