I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize