im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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