I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
