woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
