I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize